Our Journey
For those familiar with my story, it’s been a journey of walking alongside families and youth who have faced trauma, loss, or neglect. This includes our own family’s experiences of losing parents, undergoing major moves, and dealing with our own brokenness, conflicts, and stressors.
In a previous post titled “The Beautiful Messiness of the Gospel,” I explored the transformative power of the Gospel. If the Gospel isn’t radically changing me, is it truly the Gospel? If I have good news to share but am unwilling to share it, did I ever truly receive it? If I cannot follow Christ’s example of leaving comfort to take on the grief and sin of the world, to bind the wounds of the broken, and to love my enemies, has the Gospel truly changed me? These are challenging questions, but they must be asked and acted upon. The Gospel is the answer to the fear, doubts, and hate in our world today.
A Sense of Belonging
In “What Happened To You?” Dr. Bruce Perry states, “Love, given and felt, is dependent upon the ability to be present, attentive, attuned, and responsive to another human being… It is in the small moments, when we feel the other person fully present, fully engaged, connected and accepting, that we make the most powerful and enduring bonds.” (p. 81-82)
We see this clearly in 1 Corinthians 13: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
We often speak of community in Christian circles, emphasizing its importance for growing faith. However, community is not just about programs and activities; it’s about relationships. Authentic community should be described by words like authenticity, trust, safety, unity, and a sense of belonging. Unfortunately, many people do not experience this in typical church programming. True community is not about activities but about healthy, faith-strengthening relationships.
Let’s Stop Fixing Each Other
One common tendency, especially among men, is the desire to fix things. I struggle with this in my interactions with my wife and kids, always feeling the need to have an answer. This happens often in churches too, where we might throw a scripture verse or a cliché at someone instead of truly listening.
Despite years of walking alongside others, I continue to work on being more empathetic and a better listener. Some of my greatest growth has come from giving up the need to manage others’ perceptions of me and being fully present in their lives.
To be fully present means to listen, empathize, ask good questions (Jesus was excellent at this), and if correction is needed, to do it with gentleness and grace. Speak the truth in love.
The Apostle Paul, in 1 Thessalonians 2, despite opposition, describes his approach: “We were not looking for praise from people… Just as a nursing mother cares for her children, so we cared for you. Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well… For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God…” (1 Thessalonians 2:6-12)
Paul’s analogy of a nursing mother and a caring father emphasizes the importance of attachment, safety, and nurturing. Research (The Mills Longitudinal Study and the Harvard Study of Adult Development), shows that feeling connected to others is crucial for healthy outcomes. Paul’s relationship with the Thessalonians was marked by safety, health, nurturing, love, and care—not judgment, fixing, shaming, or condemning.
The Power of Connection
Perhaps what we desire more than community is connection—healthy, safe, godly, Gospel-centered and trauma informed connections. We do not achieve this by fixing each other.
So, the next time you feel the need to fix someone, stop and listen. Recognize their humanity as image bearers of God. Be fully present. Care for them. Love them, even your enemies. Ask clarifying questions. Be a safe space for them. If you must disagree or correct, do it with gentleness and care. Care for them as much as you care for the truth. Healthy relationships and connections are key to healing and restoration, as seen in both Christ’s example and research.